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List Making, Priorities & Holiday Shopping

Personal Growth, Work Life December 4, 2013 Leave a comment

Simple. Easy. There are things waiting to be done so you get out your favorite list making method and write them down. Then you prioritize them, bang through them and the day is done with much accomplished. Sure. Why are there whole books written about getting stuff done then? And articles in nearly every December issue of magazines about making the holidays light, bright and cheery without getting buried in your to-dos?

I’ve been thinking about planning on the personal side of that work-life balance since I wrote my last post. And because it is the holiday season and Black Friday highlights are showing the usual frenzies of shoppers clicking through their lists and getting in each other’s way. I’ve participated all of once in the Black Friday melee and found it to be a thoroughly frustrating not to be repeated experience. Whatever prompts these people to see the excess of shopping hassles as a priority is beyond me.

I understand the thrill of the chase, and I definitely get the joy of a deal. Maybe it defies my sensibilities because we don’t tend to buy each other electronics in my family. When I do buy them, it is after research on the best product and based more on reliability and features than price. And most of these door busters seem to be electronics. Too, I don’t like to get up early on a day off, nor am I fond of being cold. Shopping is meant to be leisurely when I’m buying gifts. A return to my teen days of browsing and considering, unlike errand running which is map it, get it, and move on. I want to think about the person that I’m shopping for, not look over my shoulder for a potential kamikaze attack.

Back when I had more time, I would get out my baking implements in mid-November and pull out my cookie recipes. I would add to a growing pile of cookies and quick breads in my freezer each week until mid-December when they would all come out and I would box them up as presents for extended family. (My boys fearful that I wouldn’t save enough for them to munch.) Hundreds of cookies, about a dozen different kinds. My back and knees are happy that is not my routine anymore, but the rest of me misses it – and so do many family members. I hope to be able to return to days when cookie baking can get back on my priority list for the holidays. I’ll get one of those cushioned mats for my back, knees and feet.

If I had to explain how I make my holiday priorities, it would be to pick out the things that mean holiday to me – ways to be closer to friends and family, to feel joy. I love Christmas cards, festive packages, all of the carols. Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward all.

A Change in Planning

Personal Growth, Work Life December 2, 2013 Comments: 2

At work I plan in a project management and process style. This should go before that, these tools are necessary to complete that task, assemble this list of things before starting task x. It makes so much more sense to plan – who wants to keep stopping and starting a project to get it right?

It would make sense then if I applied the same concepts to my personal life. Yes, it would. But that isn’t how it usually happens. I’m behind on making doctor and dentist appointments, there is a list of little things that need to be fixed in the house, and don’t ask me the last time that I went on a vacation beyond visiting relatives. All of these activities take some planning and so await that step.

I have actually taken a day off of work to do all this planning so that I will be prepared for the day off that I will need to take to complete the tasks themselves. I know many of you can relate. It is just too hard to squeeze the calls and so on that are the planning stage for all of this stuff that begs to be done. Evenings would be a good time, or maybe weekends. Sure. One out of fifteen things on my list are successfully planned during these hours.

It seems to me that I am often rewriting a to-do list onto a new sheet and transferring most of the items over just because the old one got too hard to read in the bottom of my purse or on the front of the fridge. I wish I could say because so many of the points on the list were crossed off. Ha. I have taken to dating the lists, just for self-torture purposes.

I’ve decided that I must use up all of the best planning brain cells at work and leave the lazy ones for personal stuff. I drive home at the end of a day, or wake up on a Saturday with the best intentions and sometimes manage to actually knock two things off the list on the same day. Only to have two new ones show up the next day. (Sigh.)

Can you relate? If you can’t because you are on top of all the aspects of your life, do share your secrets.

Random Things for which I am Thankful: Making Connections

Random thoughts November 29, 2013 Comments: 5

I read this short story in my early teen years that described an unusual and cleverly designed prison. The cells were set up in a sort of spiral within a stone enclosure. Each cell contained one prisoner and the prison term for that prisoner was based on the length of time that it would take for his cell to work through the spiral to the opening once again. During his term he would have no contact with other people. I found this both fascinating from a logical standpoint – how would he eat, how did they remove waste, etc.; and horrifying from a human standpoint.

I no longer remember the title or the author but the premise for this story stuck in my mind. Perhaps because it is the antithesis of our social human experience. The time alone appealed to my introverted side, but disturbed my extroverted brain cells. Even the most rabidly introverted person can usually see some benefit in connecting with other people, if within a much smaller group.

At about the same age that I came across this story, I believed that if you made a deep connection with someone, you would remain connected to that person forever. I have a collection of hurtful memories that belie that idea. Connection does not equate loyalty or longevity, but it doesn’t require these traits to be worthy.

A person met in a time of need and never seen again can have a profound effect upon you. One person caused a terrifying car accident when my boys were very small but I choose to remember the dozen or so strangers who stopped and offered assistance without ever expecting anything in return. I return this gift by doing the same whenever I can for other strangers in need. These are the fleeting connections that go under the name of random acts of kindness. They strengthen our humanity.

We have blood connections with family that extend from close relatives to cousins two and three times removed. There are shared experiences of various family gatherings, there is a built in support network when times are tough. My aunt and uncle took time out of their busy schedules to drive up and sit with my boys when I had major surgery a few years back. It was right before Christmas but they understood that my boys would need to have advocates who had been through such an experience before.

The sibling relationship is so nuanced and complex. We have shared so much, but sometimes as rivals and sometimes as allies. When it comes down to it, a brother might be the worst tease of a sister but don’t take that to mean that as an outsider to the family you can do the same. The brother may take you to task. (Can you tell that my brother teased my sister and me mercilessly as children?)

Then there are friends and acquaintances. The selection process for these connections begins randomly – a shared class or activity – and grows deliberately in depth, breadth and length as we nurture the relationships. My oldest active friendships originated in my junior high years. The interactions may go dormant here and there and due to all my moves we have a physical distance as a barrier, but we remain friends. Connected. In this past year I have added new people to this category; met randomly, identification of some kindred sensibility, connection growing.

I should have written names back in the day, but I am still connected to 4 of the 13, not counting myself.

Sometimes I might feel as though I am stuck in a stone cell, but I can shake this feeling off by remembering all my varied connections.

Wanted to do This, but That Got in the Way

Personal Growth, Work Life November 22, 2013 Leave a comment

Have you ever just been eager to start on something but been prevented because something that you need to do what you want requires attention before you can get into your desired task? So frustrating!

For the last month plus I have been finding more often than not that when I sit down to write – blog post idea percolating away in my head – my Microsoft Word must be reinstalled. Grrr. Now I must deal with this technical issue and risk losing the essence of my post idea unless I start to write it out long hand. My thoughts come faster than I can sketch out this way, that is why I love composing on the computer.

There are plenty of other examples; getting ready to bake something and finding I am short on a key ingredient, wrapping a package and the tape is missing in action, nearing the end of a project but still have an open question due from someone else. So close, and yet… Ticking this task off the to-do list will just have to wait. Darn it.

Pushme-Pullyou from the original Dr Doolittle movie. (my appreciation has lasted a lifetime)

A few years ago I just couldn’t quite motivate myself to get in the car and go off on vacation. A vacation that included my cousin’s wedding. I’m not sure what prompted my malaise, but I waited until the morning of departure to pack and then did so in a desultory fashion, all the while fighting with the idea that I just wouldn’t go. When I finally got myself on the road, it was only perhaps an hour into the drive when I started to think of toiletries and other items that I had forgotten to pack and by the time I stopped for a break I had almost a dozen things listed.

It wasn’t anything that I couldn’t replace at the nearest drug store – the worst was my favorite lipstick and the drug store where I stopped didn’t have an equivalent color. And it was more my own head that got in the way in this instance and created external obstacles, but I still had to push through it. I did end up having a lovely time, and a much needed break from work.

Hmm, my frustration with Word is what prompted this post and I’ve taken it somewhere I didn’t intend. I guess my point then is that it is good to plan, but also to push through the unplanned or frustrating parts.

Not an Optimal Time to Think

Personal Growth, Work Life, Writing November 20, 2013 Leave a comment

If we were to be asked, we would say that we should always think about what’s going on, what we are doing because it cuts down on mistakes. And then there is reality, often a far cry from what is best practice. Well, to err is human.

Ask a person how something went wrong – a car accident, a work mistake, hurt feelings after a callous comment – and the answer most likely boils down to ‘I didn’t think’. Too much was going on in that person’s mind at that moment and the most immediate task became the casualty of the overtaxed thinking process.

This is why we practice things, why we drill something over and over, so that the activity creates a sort of groove in our brain and that memory kicks in every time we take up that activity. (Think of the times that you have been tired and pulled into your driveway and realized you don’t remember the trip at all.) All that practice makes it more possible that we’ll do the right thing even if we might be fighting panic or illness or something else entirely. But it isn’t foolproof.

I have tacked up bits and scraps of paper near my writing desk (which I rarely use now that I have a laptop…), these scraps hold advice on writing from past well-known writers. One is apropos for today, because it can be applied to thinking as well as writing. It is Herman Melville who said it, but it comes to us through Sarah Paretsky; a writer must be in a ‘silent grass growing mood’ in order to write.

Think of all the times that you know a thing but it just won’t crystalize in that moment. Most likely because that moment isn’t an optimal time to think – there is noise, distraction, pressure coming from somewhere and clouding your thought process.

I equate this to my math difficulties. My brain shuts down on any math when I am in a group. This goes back to a horrid game that was suddenly introduced to me on a steel gray February morning in 2^nd or 3^rd grade. I had just moved to the school, so my classmates had been practicing this game for months. To this day my brain simply says no if I have to do math when there is any attention on me.

I needed a silent grass growing mood to get a firm grasp on math concepts and then practice to gain speed before I played that stupid game. Even understanding the root of my math anxiety, it is rarely an optimal time for me to think in mathematical concepts when I’m in public.

Intellectual Calisthenics

Personal Growth, Work Life November 13, 2013 Comments: 4

Some weeks just seem to be overfull of mental obstacle courses – over this wall, through that muck, around the barrier, dodge the danger zone, swim this channel, start this next obstacle course. And again. Oh my.

photo credit: Wikipedia, Marine Pull ups

The brainy neuroscience folks like to tell us that this is good for our minds, keeps us sharp. Hmm, I feel more like I have a puddle in my head after a couple of days like this and can’t be trusted to decide what’s for dinner. I don’t really care in those moments that I might be lowering my risk of dementia. In fact I tend to feel slightly demented after too many days of intellectual calisthenics.

One good puzzle here and there and I agree, my brain is the better for the exercise. For instance in the calm quiet as I write this, it has been a good challenge to remember how to spell calisthenics. (My fingers don’t want to spell it correctly and resent that I keep using the word.) It’s when there is a relentless string of exercises that things get wearing. Like I’m in my own extended, real life version of a disaster movie. How much more can be piled on?

(That last question is rhetorical, I don’t really want to find out. I thought that I better put that point out there, just in case some force wants to explore the answer.)

Well, the sun is shining and that is a November feat not to be ignored, so perhaps I should take a break from intellectual exercise and go get some of the physical kind. The leaves need to be raked, so I’ll think about that as I take a walk and soak up some sun rays.

How have you exercised your own mind lately? And how do you feel about it?

The Cold is Coming

Random thoughts November 11, 2013 Comments: 4

The sun has melted today’s light layer of frost from the still green grass and shrubs. I read a brief article in the paper a couple of days ago that our autumn is protracted this year because it started out and stayed mild for so long. I read a different article early last month that predicted a cold and snowy winter (of course I believe that was the prediction for my area last year too, which was far from the truth). Cold is coming.

Frost on dying peony leaves.

I’ve lived in places that experience all four seasons for most of my life and I do like three of them – it is a toss-up whether spring or fall is my most favored. But I haven’t ever been a fan of winter with its limited color palette; difficulty in getting around in snow, ice and slush; few hours of daylight; and nippy temperatures.

I can only think back on a handful of times in my life that I enjoyed winter – a few blissful afternoons sledding with friends, learning to ice skate, and the stark beauty and silence of a frigid winter night with the crunching crust of snow underfoot as almost the only sound. Certainly joyful things have occurred in winter months, but these were not dependent upon the winter weather as part of their charm.

We humans like to make adjustments to our general environment to suit our own needs, so in my imaginings I have wiped away winter. But the wild green growing things that are now settling into dormant slumber need this respite to thrive. And I can’t deny them this necessity since they offer me so much the other 3 seasons of the year.

I am therefore, deeply grateful that I live in this age of central heating with programmable thermostats – allowing for a comfortable room temperature when it is time for me to get up in the morning. I wince at the discomfort for our ancestors who had to gather their fortitude just to get up and start a fire to be warm.

I appreciate that we have holidays during these cold months which will add splashes of color to the whites, browns and tans nature offers – red and green for Christmas, more red for Valentine’s Day. Colors are important for visual interest and stimulation. Not to mention how they can affect mood.

Every year at this time I watch the birds fly south (I walked past a tree full of songbirds the other day, probably the last for a few months) and wonder how I might do the same. I read about the animals who hibernate, and have been dodging all the squirrels frantically preparing for their long sleep, and wonder if that might be my solution. Knowing that neither option is viable for me, but wishing all the same.

Perhaps you will help me to pass the time, and make it worthwhile, through this cold and dormant season?

Assigning Motives

Personal Growth, Work Life November 8, 2013 Comments: 2

Sometimes I watch these procedural dramas on TV like Criminal Minds and CSI because I like to see the methodology. But the creators seem to think that they must show obscenely deviant behavior to make their point and that is wearing. We have so many of these shows and books that it starts to seem much more common than it really is to have psychopaths running loose.

We do like to know why something happened, why someone did something. It helps us to know what to do with the experience. Most of us will never, thankfully, encounter someone who is psychotic but we do have plenty of incidents in our daily interactions and we assign motives to the other participants in these incidents so that we can categorize the why, make some sense, decide how to react or move on.

For instance, we should all be conscious in our interactions with businesses that their motive is profit – sometimes in a manner that is beneficial to us as well as the company and sometimes at our caution. (I’ll refer you back to my post about my dumb phone, I don’t see the services offered with these smart phones as more beneficial to me than the profit the company gains – or even as equally beneficial.) Businesses have marketing folks to smooth over their profit motive and make their product or service as attractive as possible to the largest pool of potential customers. And buyer who forgets the underlying business motive beware.

public domain image

Where assigning motives really gets interesting, though, is in our one on one or group interactions. Have you heard friends or coworkers say things like, ‘he’s out to get me’, ‘she always gets her way’, ‘of course the company scheduled X when I had other plans’? When we are assigning motives, they are usually negative.

public domain image

We all do it, but do we ever question what our own motive is in making these assignments? What criteria are we applying to come to this conclusion? Back to these shows, sometimes they come up with these outlandishly fully realized motives from the thinnest of clues. (Purportedly the characters are just that brilliant.) We need to examine the criteria that we are applying for false reasoning, question our own motives in assigning motives once in a while.

Complex and devious motives probably exist more often on these TV dramas than in our own interactions. What do you think?

Unexpected Pleasures

Random thoughts November 6, 2013 Leave a comment

Obligations, have-tos, to-dos, endless tasks mounded here and there in front of us until the end of time. Or so it often appears. Why look up and out when only these nagging things are there to confront us? Why look about when more might present themselves and insist on being addressed?

Well, serendipitous things can happen if you look up and look about and you can miss them if you are mired in the mundane. I had two quite serendipitous experiences last week and I am still smiling in remembering each. Dreary and rainy days, both. Bleh.

Walking out the back door from work at the end of one day with a colleague, we were met by the beautiful sight of a perfect and complete rainbow. The north side ending picturesquely behind trees decked out in their finest fall colors and the other blocked by the industrial building behind ours. The entire arc completely visible, which is even more rare than a rainbow itself and therefore to be savored.

public domain rainbow image

My mom always took particular delight in rainbows, so I couldn’t help but think she had a hand in this gift from nature as I drove home and watched it fade. Quite pleasing and smile inducing, still.

Then on a different day, running errands at the store, I rounded the corner into the dish soap aisle and saw someone I know who I haven’t seen for almost a year. She had her back to me, but I was instantly both slightly disoriented to see her and certain that it was her. (Just to add to the serendipity, when I went to put away the dish soap later at home, it turned out that I still had an unopened bottle in the cupboard so if I hadn’t imagined that I was in need I would not have even been in that aisle.)

We stood in that aisle and caught up for almost an hour, moving over for various other shoppers who were focused on their mission. It was so good to see her and such happenstance it gave me a nice boost.

Neither of these little moments would have been noted if I hadn’t been looking up and around, aware of my surroundings. I’m so glad that I was.

The Power of the Right Word

Business Writing, Personal Growth, Work Life, Writing November 4, 2013 Leave a comment

We learn to speak without understanding the power of language. We just know that we start to associate specific combinations of sounds to the result that we want – combining sounds to produce ‘juice’ gets us a sweet, cold beverage that slakes our thirst. So we say it again when our mouth is dry and we need liquid. Other sound combinations get results too – uttering ‘mommy’ or ‘daddy’ gets lots of wonderful attention, hugs and kisses. Score!

Somewhere along the line we experience the pain of words too. A casually repeated word like ‘dummy’ gains a lecture about not hurting others perhaps. But do we really understand the power of words yet?

Learning that certain words have specific associations to a place – the playground has looser rules than the classroom – teaches us a level of appropriateness, but not necessarily understanding. We have just enough to know how to be hurtful without knowing why we might be hurtful.

I love words – their sound, combining them for just the right effect – I love to read them and to write them. I want to understand them, not just use them. When I am trying to make a point with people who don’t have the same intense relationship to words I like to use an example. If you need a group to listen you can say different things – examples run from ‘Be quiet’ to ‘Shut up’. These are essentially the same command but they have very different connotations for the listeners. If you would like to show authority, but not disrespect toward the group, then your option is clearly ‘be quiet’, ‘quiet, please’ or something along that line.

I know that I cannot expect others to love words as I do. But this example usually helps to gain understanding. In English, we have many options to say something, to get our point across – all valid – which makes choosing the right option for the circumstance an important step. What do we intend to convey? Who is our audience? What is important within the message that is also important to the audience?

There is so much that should go into word choice, too much for one blog post. I need a reminder now and then that words have alternate meanings, even regional meanings sometimes, and that the point of combining sounds into words and words into sentences and paragraphs is to communicate. Communicating isn’t just about what I want to say, but about how the person or group who will receive the message will perceive it. The right word has great power, and the wrong word – well, there is usually a long list of trending social media topics about the famous folks who chose the wrong word at the wrong time.