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An Accomplished Grumbler

Random thoughts April 23, 2014 Leave a comment

In our house, growing up, we learned early on that whining, wheedling and grumbling got you banished. Who wanted to be banished? We kept our grumbling to ourselves when we just couldn’t help but indulge in it. (Especially when dad was around, he ‘would give us something to grumble about’!) I did my best to instill this same message in my boys that grumbling wasn’t an effective method of getting what you want.

My son’s dog grumbles. (Hrumphf, hmmrrr, rrrmmm, sigh) It is hilarious as long as she only does it occasionally. And only hilarious because she is a dog. I never knew that animals wheedled before.

What isn’t hilarious is the percentage of the adult population who didn’t get the same message that children got in my family – that grumbling isn’t effective in getting your point across. There are an amazing number of grown people who must have had their childish grumbling validated and have carried this annoying trait into adult life. Who have become accomplished grumblers.

What does grumbling cost the grumbler? Why were we banished when we got in that mode as kids? My mom was a Pollyanna type – amazingly positive and sunny. (Not sickeningly, perky cheerleader so.) One of the ways that she stayed that way was to focus on positive activities, which grumbling is decidedly not. Grumbling is gloomy and low energy and draining. It sucks you in rather than drawing you closer and you can’t wait to get some distance.

I try really hard not to laugh out loud when the dog does her grumbling thing. She is a clown and I don’t want her to think this is a good method to get what she wants. I don’t want her to be added to the list of accomplished grumblers.

A Near Complete Lack of Curiosity

Random thoughts, Work Life April 21, 2014 Comments: 4

I never fail to be stumped when I encounter a person with a near complete lack of curiosity. I can’t even bring myself to say that the person may have a complete lack of curiosity. I have to qualify it, and hope that the person has some curiosity about something that I just don’t see. It just doesn’t seem possible to me that a person could have zero curiosity.

Sure there are things that I am not interested in at all, or so I believe right now. I would have said that was true about beer until last June when I sat through a talk that my son wanted to attend and the panel brought up the history of beer and tied it to some things that I am interested in. Heck, I find myself feeling curious about math at times now that my niece is so taken with the topic.

But there are people who just want to be told to put that there and twist this a half a turn and move on. They don’t want to know why. They don’t want to know how the thing came to be in front of them or what will happen to it after it moves on. Huh. I am curious why that is, what is it about their make-up that left aside the wonder? I can’t fathom it.

Sure, curiosity killed the cat but lack of curiosity narrows. Or at least it seems to me. I would like to have a conversation with someone who has no interest in learning new things, who is content within their comfort zone. Has that person ever had to deal with big changes? In my experience life brings alterations, from tiny to seismic, fairly regularly and my curiosity has helped me to get resettled.

What importance do you place on curiosity?

Remembrance & Relevancy

Random thoughts April 14, 2014 1 Comment

My dad comes up frequently in posts because I am pretty sure that my work ethic comes directly from his influence more than any other. I know that anything I understand about tools and fixing things was first honed watching him, sometimes directly for hours and sometimes covertly. He is still in the creak of the flooring when I manage to find an old-time hardware store and the smell of freshly cut lumber. I hear him laughing at old puns and sometimes catch glimpses of his very same twinkle in the eyes of both my boys, particularly when some mild mischief is involved.

Dad would have been 77 today, a date that he shared with Abraham Lincoln – one starting out his life and the other’s coming to an end on April 14^th, 72 years intervening. Perhaps it was this shared date that started my dad’s deep interest in history, American history, and specifically the Revolutionary and Civil War periods. Abraham Lincoln loomed large for dad. A fascination with history is something else that I share with my dad.

Dad was an only child who came to preside over a noisy family with three children. While he very much wanted a family, I don’t think that he was prepared for the chaos of multiple children so his basement workshop became a welcome retreat. He was always very good with his hands and happiest when working on a project, or even had various projects in different stages. Happy being a relative term for dad.

It was highly important to him to be a good man. A good man provided for his family and had a solid standing in the community. A good man embodied the Boy Scout Oath and Law, particularly since dad achieved the rank of Eagle Scout and went on to make Scouting his career:

Scout Oath (or Promise)

On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.

Scout Law

A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,
courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean, and reverent.

(Borrowed from the official website of the Boy Scouts of America)

These principles were the core of his purpose in life, though he had his times when these failed to help him know exactly what to do. Like many men in his generation, he was at a loss to best express his emotions – positive or negative.

Dad has been gone from this world for a little over 15 years. I just finished reading Jan-Philipp Sendker’s The Art of Hearing Heartbeats and really like what the character U Ba has to say:

“Do we leave the dead behind us or do we take them with us? I think we take them with us. They accompany us. They remain with us, if in another form.”

I like this because I have been thinking a great deal about getting farther and farther away from my parents. Maybe I’m not. Maybe because they are still with me, accompanying me, they are still relevant.

Dad can be anywhere and everywhere now. He is part of the appreciation of a finely crafted wood item, he is encouraging a young man on the path to Eagle Scout, he is present at campfires and taking in museum exhibits.

Happy birthday, dad.

A Chance to Lead

Random thoughts, Work Life April 11, 2014 Leave a comment

You decide if this post is about group dynamics or individual leadership. Several things have gotten me to think about leadership from different angles recently. Talk about leadership is everywhere, a distinct meaning of what it really is, is not so prevalent.

Have you ever been in a group where everyone is trying to lead – whether there is an established leader or not? Everyone is working to get the upper hand for their own agenda and chaos ensues.

George Washington in 1775 (public domain image)

Have you ever been in a group where no one wants to take the lead – even if there is a designated leader? Aimless chaos usually ensues, along with plenty of finger pointing when nothing is accomplished.

Have you had opportunities to lead? How did they come about? I had an employee once who would regularly tell everyone and anyone that she never got any opportunity to lead. Because she expected the opportunity to come gift wrapped with a tag that read ‘This is Your Chance to Lead’. When she would ask me about leadership opportunities, I would start to enumerate specific recent instances that were opportunities to show leadership – to direct a circumstance to her expected outcome.

Have you been on a team with a leadership vacuum? How did you respond? If you created your own method to get your work done and perhaps to help your coworkers do the same did you see that as leadership?

Have you ever known a leader who complained that they had to do everything because otherwise it wasn’t done right… because the only right way was their way?

A boss should be a leader, but a true leader doesn’t have to be a boss. I know I have quotations about leadership, being a boss and the distinguishing characteristics of each in a quote book that I keep, but those will have to go in a future post on leadership.

What do you have to say about group dynamics, leadership, and bosses?

Change: Affinity vs. Ability

Personal Growth, Work Life April 7, 2014 Leave a comment

Life is so much nicer all around when we like what is happening; what we are doing, where we are living and so on. Sometimes we forget that there is a difference between liking, affinity, and skill at a task, or ability. We all have skills that we could use to our advantage but often don’t because we just don’t have the affinity.

I’ve met plenty of people who, without saying it straight up, think that they will know they are on the right track because everything will snap into place – life will be easier and smoother if they are in the right place. If things are difficult, it must be the wrong direction or place or whatever. How many times have you been in a discussion with someone who shuts you down on a topic with something like, ‘oh, I’m not any good at (fill in the blank)’?

The world is ever changing. (public domain image)

Math doesn’t have any sort of magic for me like words do, I just don’t have much of an affinity. But I have come to understand the importance of having a math competency – in financial dealings at the very least. I will never gravitate to math, but I can be proud that I can master the more important math concepts and make use of them in my life. And I have discovered that there are fascinating parts of math – statistics and economics do stir my curiosity.

We don’t get to arrange all of the pieces of our lives so that we can focus only on those things that we like. (We’re lucky to arrange most of them, the big ones hopefully.) And it isn’t always clear to see when you are on the right track, because that track might be just as bumpy and difficult as the wrong one.

Writing is a skill that makes plenty of people grimace, I both understand and feel consternated about this fact. But like math for me, it is an ability that can be developed to serve your overall purpose. You can like what a competency in a certain skill brings you without having an affinity for the concepts of the skill.

What’s for Dinner?

Random thoughts, Work Life April 4, 2014 Leave a comment

Thoughts on dinner have been trending in my mind. My son, now the primary cook in our house due to his culinary interests, has been involved in other things these past few days meaning that I am coming home after work and fending for myself. At Toastmasters earlier this week the Table Topics were all about tables and invariably dinner was part of it too. And I have been remembering my changing role in dinner activities over my lifetime to date.

The 50’s cliché was the male breadwinner coming home to sit down to the family dinner cooked from scratch by his lovely wife all dressed up including pearls. I’ve experienced some of this ideal in different ways and can see benefit. When I was growing up mom and dad both put high importance on having a family evening meal. Mom did the stay-at-home thing which included dinner from scratch for most of my childhood. She didn’t have much interest in cooking per se, but she did have enough interest in healthy eating. Her forte was conversation, the exchange of ideas once we were all at the table. Even once she was working and going to school, we managed to keep the family meal going.

One of my son’s most recent creations.

I became a stay-at-home mom cooking the dinners from scratch, ready when my husband came home and before we had to head back out to whatever event or practice my boys had going. I had a greater interest in cooking than my mom had shown, along with an equal interest in the exchange of ideas while we ate. Feeding our minds and bodies, as well as feeding the family bond.

Even after becoming a single mom working a full time job, I felt it was highly important to keep up the tradition of a sit-down, scratch-cooked dinner. The actual cooking part wasn’t so important, but the shared experience and time together was something that I could give my boys.

And now I would be hard pressed to find the energy and mental capacity to whip up a dinner every night. I am happy to leave this task to my son who is caught up in the magic of creating maximum flavor experiences with food. When he isn’t otherwise occupied at dinner time.

Being a ‘foodie’ is trending now along with an interest in fresh, sustainable ingredients. The shared familial experience, the flow of talk and ideas doesn’t seem to have the same esteem though. Dinner might just be another meal that we squeeze into our day, perhaps not one that even two people in a family have at the same time.

How do you feed your mind, body and the family bond these days?

Oh, If Only

Random thoughts March 31, 2014 Leave a comment

There is one good thing about winter and that is that it provides a ready reason why much of the to-do list lies dormant for the season. Now I must dust of the list and sit down with it and a calendar to figure out what should be done, where it will fit in my days, and whether the budget will allow. But just next to the to-do list is my list of books that I’d like to read.

If only there were enough time in the day to be able to read more of the interesting books that come out so much faster than I can digest them. (And then there are all of the older books, too.) In addition to the books that I hear about and put on the list are all the books that I could stumble upon in the library or a book store if I go and browse.

It would be simply lovely if I could take a chunk of time off from all my other obligations and I could devote my time and energy to devouring these worthy books. I do read all day – emails, procedures, articles, and at the very end of the day a few pages from my current fiction selection. Just a handful of pages for me, so that it takes ages to get through a single book. So that sometimes I forget some of the subplots in a book.

Reading is right there with all of the other necessities – food, water and shelter – it provides comfort and education, understanding and enjoyment, inspiration. I sometimes long for my younger years when a whole Saturday could be absorbed by a book. I dream of reading sabbaticals when my days get too stressful. Would I love reading as much if I could be paid to do it? I would love to find out, I think.

If you dream of taking a sabbatical to do one beloved activity, what would it be?

A Singular Purpose

Random thoughts March 26, 2014 Leave a comment

It seems to be the thing to do these days when your life is altered by some sort of speed bump, start up a foundation. If you have the means, or access to the means that is. People at the lower end of the economic ladder might have fund raisers to help cover the unexpected bills that go along with these speed bumps. If enough money is raised to cover their own bills, the remainder might go to help others with the affliction.

I’ve been thinking about causes and diseases that attract multiple foundations, which then often compete for the same donation dollars. It’s that competition that got me thinking. I understand that people want to honor their lost loved one (the most frequent reason to start a foundation in my unofficial research) but perhaps there are other ways. A foundation has costs that take money off the top, whereas a donation to an existing organization in the person’s name could go directly to something useful for others still struggling through similar experiences.

Perhaps a singular purpose should be combined with a shared purpose to better serve the cause? The question is what is most important – a cure, a solution or establishing a permanence for the lost person? The best thing would be to find a method to do both.

When my dad died, we asked for donations in lieu of flowers to established causes that were meaningful to him. He had a nearly lifelong association with Boy Scouting and so we also created a camp scholarship in his name at our local council. I’m sure that money is long gone, mom was the point person with the council. We wanted his name to live on with an organization that he loved and supported in many ways. Hopefully there is a handful of young men out there somewhere who can say that they got to go to camp thanks to my dad.

Keeping the fund alive and continuous probably could have been accomplished, but it didn’t happen. And this was a relatively small effort in comparison to a foundation.

When mom died, we again asked for donations in her name in lieu of flowers, this time for ovarian cancer research through an established organization. I continue to give as part of the greater shared purpose to give families affected by this disease more solutions. And more time than we had with mom once she was diagnosed. Even if we had the means, I don’t think that we would have considered a foundation in her name. Associating with an effective and established organization allows our assistance to be multiplied.

I wonder at this moment what mom would have to say to my idea, she worked as a fund raiser for a large hospital in Chicago for years. She had some interesting stories about the large donors that they courted. Ego was often involved.

What is it This Time?

Random thoughts, Work Life March 21, 2014 Comments: 2

The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland scurries into the story early on, frantic and muttering to himself that he’s ‘late for an important date’. If there is a human anywhere who cannot relate, I would love to find out the secret for not ever being late. (Perhaps it is to never have appointments or dates?)

public domain image of The White Rabbit

Well, he scurries about in my thoughts sometimes as I juggle the various parts of my life. It often seems to be the transitions from one aspect to another that are most difficult to time just right – leaving home for work, leaving work for an afternoon appointment of one kind or another. Getting to work on time seems to be quite difficult for everyone at one time or another (the disruptive weather this winter over much of the US as case in point), but for some it seems to be darn near impossible every day.

There was a teaser announcement on the news the other day that they would be doing a story on employee excuses for being late to work on a later broadcast (must have been a slow news day) and that got me thinking. As a boss I have had employees who have struggled with timeliness and as a person I have had moments of untimeliness.

I don’t think that I’ve been given any really interesting stories for tardiness from employees, nothing is coming to mind since I heard about this on the news. Perhaps it is because I’ve never demanded explanation. ‘Sorry that I’m late’ mostly suffices for me. If it becomes a pattern, we’ll talk – but it will be focused on solutions like changing your routine, possibly changing your start time, not on why. Reasoning is important, excuses are a waste.

As an employee I have had two instances that were a bit out of the ordinary and they occurred about a year apart.

The first was after my mom had died and since I wasn’t sleeping very well at that time, I wasn’t actually late just nearly so. I woke up that morning thinking of a particular photo of my mom from the previous Christmas so strongly that I had to find the picture. I could not start my day until I had that one and only that one photo with me. My responsible side argued that I didn’t need the photo to go about my work day and I could find the picture after work. But the pull was too powerful, grief demanded that I get my hands on that picture. I did find it, I put it in an envelope in my purse (I carry it still) and got on with my day.

On the morning of the second example, I was mentally ready for work – I was currently without a direct boss and reporting to the senior manager and I wanted to be sharp. I pushed the button for my garage door, it went up an inch or two and stopped. I pushed again and it went down. I pushed again and it whirred, but did nothing. Uh oh. I pulled the door up manually and it slammed back down (I found out later that the springs were shot.) Hmm. My boys were already at school. How could I get the car out of the garage? I called friends, family to find someone to hold the door open while I drove the car out. Time became short and I had to call the senior manager to explain that I couldn’t get my car out of the garage. I even thought about flagging down a stranger and asking them to hold the door open – I was getting desperate – when a friend called back and was able to come over to help.

What is your weirdest or best excuse for being late?

Plaintive Pull

Random thoughts March 19, 2014 Comments: 2

The nature of blogging lends itself to posting in early morning. Morning is a time for building energy, gathering thoughts to plan a successful day and not necessarily a time to bring up a plaintive, lamenting note. But seasonal transitions seem to lend themselves to a plaintive and wistful mindset, at least to me.

I had a cat once who would stride through the house, usually in the evening and let out a sorrowful loud plaintive cry from a room or two away. Perhaps he wanted me to do what I often did, which was to come and find him and ask him to tell me about whatever seemed to be on his mind. And give him a nice scratch behind his ears. Maybe he just liked the way that his meow would bounce off the walls and ceilings when he got a good lungful of air behind it. (He did occasionally seem to have a theatrical bent.)

Evening seems to be the right time for plaintive reflection – not as heavy as a lugubrious or dolorous ponder but a few moments to think. The right sort of evening reflection can lead to a better day in the morning.

Plaintive thought isn’t meant to be about all of the things that I meant to do in that day and didn’t get around to completing – too many people spend too much energy at the end of the day in this mode. How about what I learned, what I can build on in coming days, what needs to be reworked…

As thoughts for this post started to form in my head, I realized that plaintiveness is often best expressed in music. And songs by The Fixx and Counting Crows among others went through my head. But I really sat down to write when the evening light brought Taps to mind.

photo credit: Wikipedia

The mournful sound of a single bugle in the soft summer evening air brings me back to my childhood when my dad was Camp Director. This day is over, time to rest. Nature and humans have done what could be done in this day.

All is well.